Diary of human yogi... "Oh, you again".
I feel it well inside my body. Feel myself wanting to distract myself from what is palpable. An anxiousness that cripples me. Not in a way that means I can’t move about my day, but in a way that means I can’t move about my day effectively. I bump off the surfaces of the different spaces like I am trapped in a bubble and then beat myself up for not getting any thing done. For not having been more productive with my time. More effective with my time. And then it brims, and I sit beside him as I am compelled to let it out. He moves over on the couch and invites the conversation with an open heart.
“What’s up?” he asks.
“Don’t really know, I’m just feeling really emotional today”. I finally said. And then it overflows and finally the truth of it comes to the surface and flows out with the rest.
“I’m getting blocked by old patterns, old stories, old behaviours”. That same old slippery darkness of fear has crept back in and I am flooded now with feelings of “I am not good enough”. As I talk about it, I can see with my logical mind it doesn’t make sense. I am aware even as I speak, of the language that comes out of my mouth and self-adjust and counsel as I talk. He simply listens. The emotions brim and tears flow. It is a process of letting go. Letting it come up, letting it come out. And I almost instantly feel better for having started talking, for as I do I am able to navigate the emotions and thoughts to gain some clarity around it. Full moon last night has done another doozey on me I muse. When in reality, it was a powerful moon. And how interesting after throwing something I want to let go of into the fire last night at a beautiful ceremony, that old story of fear and doubt, it is the very thing that is rearing it’s ugly head again.
As I talk, however, he holds space, and I feel it shift. I am grateful as each moment passes, the load gets lighter. The overflow stops and I regain some composure. He comforts me, reassures me, tells me how strong and capable I am. I recognise that this pattern re-spins in slow motion like a worn out record on a turn table, playing an off key song that drills agonisingly into your eardrum. “Oh, you again. That old story of fear and doubt”. The “I am not enough” story…. I take some deep breaths and let it leave my body as the tears dry and the tension releases. I sit a little taller and I lift my chest and heart a little higher, as they feel more open and accessible now. He hugs me and reminds me to look at new options and different strategies. To look up from the blinders I had put on myself pointing my in only one direction. I take another deep breath. I feel lighter, more spacious and more ease-full in my body. I am so grateful for his support. I remember mySelf and walk forward into the rest of my day unbound. I make a cup of tea, and sit to share this with you. To remind you that you are not alone. To remind me that I am not alone in this pattern. This story. Let’s not give it any more of our precious power. Let’s let it go together and as we do, rise up into our power and walk forward from a place of light. Let’s all take a deep breath. Together. We’re in this together.